Sunday, 20 July 2014

Monday 25th October 1920

(first day of winter time). Why is life so tragic; so like a little strip of pavement over an abyss? I look down; I feel giddy; I wonder how I am ever to walk to the end. But why do I feel this? Now that I say it I don't feel it. The fire burns; we are going to the Beggar's Opera. Only it lies about me; I can't keep my eyes shut.It's a feeling of impotence: of cutting no ice. Here I sit at Richmond, and like a lantern stood in the middle of a field my light goes up in darkness. Melancholy diminishes as I write. Why then don't I write it down oftener? Well, one's vanity forbids. I want to appear a success even to myself. Yet I don't get to the bottom of it. It's having no children, living away from friends, failing to write well, spending too much on food, growing old - I think too much of the whys and wherefores; too much of myself. I don't like time to flap round me. Well then, work. Yes, but I so soon tire of work - can't read more than a little, an hours writing is enough for me. Out here no one comes in to waste time pleasantly. If they do, I'm cross. The labour of going to London is too great. Nessa's children grow up, and I can't have them in to tea, or go to the zoo. Pocket money doesn't allow of much. yet I'm persuaded that these are trivial things: it's life itself, I think sometimes, for us in our generation so tragic -  no newspaper placard without its shriek of agony from some one. Unhappiness is everywhere: just beyond the door; or stupidity which is worse. Still I don't pluck the nettle out of me. To write Jacob's Room again will revive my fibres, I feel. And with it all how happy I am - if it weren't for my feeling that it is a strip of pavement over an abyss.



  1. I wonder how do you select the diary entry to post??
    Are you basing them on the similarity of what you feel these days??
    Do you also feel some pavement over an abyss these days??

    This diary entry talks something about a nice life,but then it's not too happy because of the abyss feeling//
    Maybe you're feeling like that too? I believe it's summer already in your place.. I hope you are completely happy and not feeling any abyss..
    If you feel somewhat melancholic, I hope you'd tell me..and I'll try to give comfort.. It's not fair that you always rescue me from my sadness but I am not doing the same for you dearest friend..

    1. I'm fine thanks Ramon, I chose the passages that touched me in some way. Each of them reach me somehow, I understand, in part, of course, we only ever understand in part -each other.

  2. I am so glad that you are fine! :-) :-) :-)
    However sad I'd be because of misery, I'm not totally miserable because when I hear that you're fine it's as if only half of me is really sad.
    It's all worth it--all the sadness I feel suddenly feel negligible once I hear that you're fine!

    Anyway, what do you mean about understanding in part--each other?