Monday, 24 February 2014
then I become sad
Spring is almost here. I know when the sun is shining because its reflects off my bathroom walls, but the sun cannot reach the other side. So I can only see the traces of light from my bedroom. I can only catch the stark outlines as the shadows move over me incessantly. All inspiration is drained of me when I am left in the darkness for too long.
Sometimes when the wind is wonderfully strong and pushes against my walls, I run to the bathroom and stand on the shelf just to peak out of the tiny window and pretend I can just catch a glimpse of the sea. I saw lights flashing, I was so sure it was the lighthouse. But in the morning I realise it wasn't the sea, and that all I could see out of the window was more flats of more windows of more concrete structures, blocking, imposing, towering over me.
Sometimes I feel so small but with this realisation comes a humility that is beautiful. I know someone else who is above and beyond all we do down here has created all existence with his very breath. And that he cares for me? Mortal brains cannot fathom!
Today I ran out to the nearest park and lay down against an oak. I could hear the traffic raging beyond the walls but the birdsong was so great that I could pretend I were in a forest somewhere where there was only the sounds of those with flight and the wind upholding them.
How other people survive here I don't know. It's like they are different beings than I, like there is some integral part of them that simply isn't alive. Spring is nearing! How can you not be a little excited?
But then I rationalise. They don't know what it feels like to live the summer with bare feet, to be in a place that doesn't exist on a man-made map, to feel the wind dancing with your body from the arms of a tree, to lie down on the earth and hear rabbits thumping somewhere, to be, to be... Free.
It's not just some nice poetical phrasing, it's true. I was born to be free and when that freedom is snipped and clipped at the edges I notice and grow angry and then I become sad.
I have learnt that just because someone is older than you or has more education than you or is more experienced than you or has had a different past than you or has been raised differently to you- they aren't better than you. They aren't more important. We are all of the same tribe.
I don't see birds attacking their own tribe to unintentionally hurt them, to make them suffer. They protect each other in family units just like all the other animals, they build up a defence against predators from other tribes, not their own. And yet with the human race, I see us attacking each other just to hurt one another. I see girls afraid to walk the streets alone incase they are attacked, I see parents afraid to send their children out to play after school, I see so much fear, so much hate, so much hurt. It isn't right, any of it.
But we don't give up. We keep going, trying our very hardest to make things better in some way. We lift our bruised bodies up off the concrete and try again.
But I still can't help feeling that sometimes I am alone.