Monday, 24 February 2014

then I become sad

Spring is almost here. I know when the sun is shining because its reflects off my bathroom walls, but the sun cannot reach the other side. So I can only see the traces of light from my bedroom. I can only catch the stark outlines as the shadows move over me incessantly. All inspiration is drained of me when I am left in the darkness for too long.

Sometimes when the wind is wonderfully strong and pushes against my walls, I run to the bathroom and stand on the shelf just to peak out of the tiny window and pretend I can just catch a glimpse of the sea. I saw lights flashing, I was so sure it was the lighthouse. But in the morning I realise it wasn't the sea, and that all I could see out of the window was more flats of more windows of more concrete structures, blocking, imposing, towering over me.

Sometimes I feel so small but with this realisation comes a humility that is beautiful. I know someone else who is above and beyond all we do down here has created all existence with his very breath. And that he cares for me? Mortal brains cannot fathom!

Today I ran out to the nearest park and lay down against an oak. I could hear the traffic raging beyond the walls but the birdsong was so great that I could pretend I were in a forest somewhere where there was only the sounds of those with flight and the wind upholding them.

How other people survive here I don't know. It's like they are different beings than I, like there is some integral part of them that simply isn't alive. Spring is nearing! How can you not be a little excited?
But then I rationalise. They don't know what it feels like to live the summer with bare feet, to be in a place that doesn't exist on a man-made map, to feel the wind dancing with your body from the arms of a tree, to lie down on the earth and hear rabbits thumping somewhere, to be, to be... Free.

It's not just some nice poetical phrasing, it's true. I was born to be free and when that freedom is snipped and clipped at the edges I notice and grow angry and then I become sad.

I have learnt that just because someone is older than you or has more education than you or is more experienced than you or has had a different past than you or has been raised differently to you- they aren't better than you. They aren't more important.  We are all of the same tribe.

I don't see birds attacking their own tribe to unintentionally hurt them, to make them suffer. They protect each other in family units just like all the other animals, they build up a defence against predators from other tribes, not their own. And yet with the human race, I see us attacking each other just to hurt one another. I see girls afraid to walk the streets alone incase they are attacked, I see parents afraid to send their children out to play after school, I see so much fear, so much hate, so much hurt. It isn't right, any of it.

But we don't give up. We keep going, trying our very hardest to make things better in some way. We lift our bruised bodies up off the concrete and try again.

But I still can't help feeling that sometimes I am alone.


  1. Of course dearest, He cares for you! You're right that mortal brains cannot fathom it, but the very essence of you

    feels it and could declare it, declare that He truly cares..

    You, among all people..of course Jesus cares so much for you. It's not really age, education, experience and all

    those other things you mention that matters. It's how close you are to God, and that's how I see people as being


    God cares for you, perhaps that's the reason why you feel safe making sorties out of your house alone..while other

    people, like you said, feels afraid of being attacked, and parents not letting children play..
    God makes you safe especially when you go out to be with nature, for you unite with Him when you're with nature.

    The only person here (besides myself) who is the only one I know in my entire life who wants to live in the

    countryside is my mother. We both share that longing for the countryside, while all other people I ever know are

    horrified being away from towns and cities.. Why?

    It's because my mother herself said that she prefers for us to live in towns and cities so that in case of

    emergency, we could get help soon..because there are hospitals and police stations near people. But in the

    countryside here, those are far from people. It's the same fear that you describe..

    But I do not mind being away from those kinds of help. When I'm in nature, I feel most at peace and safest. And if

    ever danger do come, I'm not too worried because I feel most at my element in nature.

    I feel so sad for you when you express how sometimes you're alone. Is there really no person there who feels like

    us? A friend who also loves nature and could join in with you??
    Oh how I wish I could be there! How I wish the oak could tell that the time you spend with him is shared with

    another soul..
    And let me see the spring if I'm ever allowed to! :(
    Do you know ever since childhood I've been dreaming of it?? But all my life I've never seen a spring :( I always

    wonder how it blooms, how glorious that is..

    Just remember dearest Joanna, that the mere fact that you're not bothered, not afraid, not worried of the dangers

    that could come along when you go out alone to seek nature is freedom in itself.
    There may be others around there who love nature as you do, but they're too worried to seek nature. They are not

    free. They are not being themselves "fully."
    But you, who seeks nature constantly, trying to catch a glimpse of her from the caging bedroom, from the jail of

    the bathroom, you are with a truly free heart.

    So the next time you're under that oak, I lessen your sadness by thinking that "I have made it here. Many who seek

    nature are too afraid, too worried. But at least I'm not. I'm here."

    "Nature never forsakes the heart that loves her." I'd never forget that idea that I learned from you.

    Take care dearest Jo..
    And please tell spring at her rising that someone from so far away knows her and would want to meet her.. :)

    1. Bless you dearest Ramon for your encouraging words. I know deep down there are more of us than I think in the world, sometimes it's just so hard to see past endless walls keeping me endlessly trapped. Bless you, one day I'm sure you too will see spring in all her wonder.

  2. love it, everything you write resonates with my very soul xxxxxxxxxx

  3. Well, by reading this I assume you live by yourself in a big city. If that's the case why don't you look at relocating to the suburbs? Suburbs are cheaper too

    I was in London yesterday and had about 10 hours to kill before the next flight. So I took the train to Oxford Circus to do some shopping. After I had walked all of Regent, Bond, Oxford, the Piccadilly circus and everything in between up and down 3-4 times, I couldn't find anything more I could be interested in buying plus I had so much stuff I could barely carry it.

    But, you know, in all this shopping, there was one incident that lit up my day. There was this tourist shop on Edgware Road. I wanted to buy a bag to help me carry all that stuff I was carrying, but unfortunately I didn't find something there. But there was this young girl that worked there as a saleswoman. Typical English girl judging by her looks. Dark brown hair, pale skin, light blue eyes, clean English accent (not one of the foreign London ones). I noticed she had a small silver cross around her neck. I haven't seen a cross around a young girl's neck in soooo long. Especially in London. I honestly felt really happy I saw that.

    Then I walked towards Marble Arch. I went through Hyde Park to Buckingham Palace and St James Park and stopped there for a while. The ducks, the gooses, the squirrels. That peacefulness in that park's glorious nature. Plus gazing at the Horse Guards Parade in the background and all those imposing government buildings around. I love it there. I always visit St James park when in London.

    Enjoy the Spring Jo! Happy Days are ahead!